Random Acts of Dumbness

AOL just has the best news stories out there. I swear! They are not only full of shit, but they would probably put a story about my toenail up there if they weren't too busy finding MORE USELESS SHIT.

For example, this was the first title I saw today: “Shocking Claims Made Against Priest”

Listen dickheads. I really think that we are no longer shocked at ANYTHING priests do. It goes on to say: “Stripper Says They Had an Affair, He Fathered Her Child”. Needless to say.. this was my face: -__- THAT’S IT?! Ima let you finish... but I think that other priest that molested a child was the best priest news this year! Yes, that was a Kanye joke. Low blow, I know. Moving on.. this guy didn’t even molest anything. He just did what millions of beaners do every day: unintentionally get a chick pregnant and run away. And the title was so gosh darned exciting, I never got around to reading the article.



In more obvious news: “Eva Longoria’s Pretty and Petite”.
No, this is not a sentence your five year old made up for their homework. It is an actual news title. Now might be a good time to let you know I didn’t actually read ANY of these articles. I mean, what could they possibly have to say about her being pretty and petite that would be worth reading? Article body: “She is also brunette and skinny.” I GET IT OKAY!! WE’RE ALL FAT AND UGLY WAHHH!!




And even less interesting news: “One Girl, Two Very Different Looks”
Boy.. with the articles they write, you’d think there was nothing going on in the world. I mean, it’s not as if we’re in the middle of a depression, war, or have just elected the first black president (woot obama!). Why WOULDN’T the news we read be about a random girl who apparently looks VERY different when she puts extensions into her hair. I LOVE AMERICA!




In more ridiculous news: “Clinton Red-Faced Next to Obama”
UM CLINTON IS A WHITE MAN (borderline redneck), and Obama is a black man (although only half). Did they really expect Clinton to look TAN next to him?! They go on to prove their point with a nice little picture of Clinton’s face peeking out from behind Obama. Which was in fact, a little creepy. And probably what they should have really written about. Or tin foil. Or my toenail.



In more shocking news: “What Disney Is Hiding in Its Hot Dogs”
There is also a subtitle: "People Angry By What's Mixed in Beef"
IS IT SHIT?! IS IT UMM.. WORMS!? THEIR TAXES?? No, it’s um.. CHEAPER MEAT!! OH MY LORDDD HOW WILL WE SURVIVEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Point proven.



There was also an article about a “vampire lamp”
Apparently, this contraption gives you light, so long as you give it blood. Which makes me wonder.. WHAT KIND OF STUPID VAMPIRE GIVES UP BLOOD FOR LIGHT?? Aren’t they actually supposed to hate light? Geez, morons.



And last, my favorite news: “swine flu gets cool new image”
Which consists of a man who believes that rapping can save lives.
“Dressed in his white doctor’s coat and sunglasses, Clarke, 38, raps the basics of flu prevention: Wash your hands, scrub away germs with hand sanitizer, stay home if you’re sick and cover your nose and mouth when you sneeze. Oh, and don’t stick your fingers in your eyes, nose or mouth."

In fact, don’t stick your fingers anywhere the sun don’t shine. Remember, swine flu has killed over 2 Americans. You could be next!
Just what the world needs. Paranoia by way of music. Because Americans are not paranoid enough.


I said the word Americans too many times. I really hate Americans. And by that, I mean myself. But that just sounds emo.

Peace out. Make money not war, and love only yourself. Because no one else will. :-(