How many of you feel like men are not as compassionate as they could be? As gentle? As kind? That is because they are useless. Now I'm not a pessimist or a feminist, but I truly believe that men are lacking something that we females possess.
Lets start from the most crucial of things: a man does not know how to empathize. In fact, most don't even know what it means! No, a man knows how to scold, how to tell you that you burned the toast again and dammit you can't do anything right, that he's the only one that will ever love you so you'd better not leave him.
A man is best when he is alone. In fact, a man is best when no one disrupts him from his 50th sports match in a row. A man is glad of the fact that you are busy with your girlfriends. He won't shed a tear if you have neglected to kiss him goodnight for the 203rd day in a row. Nor will he flinch when you tell him you've got to be out of town for work for 5 days, and my god you're going to miss him. Really? Sweet, more tv time for him. No one to remind him to keep his dirty shoes off the couch.
A man's feelings only go as deep as his skin. He can love you, but it will never come close to how much you love him. It will only take 2 one night stands for him to forget the shape of your breasts, that he swore he loved so much. It will only take one conversation with the next bimbo that comes along for him to forget what was so special about you. Maybe two jokes to forget why yours were ever funny. A nice pair of legs stretched out under a miniskirt to forget you even as you stand right next to him.
Women are a different story. A women will drop her friends, because she sees you've finally come out of your "man cave". She will look past your hairy knuckles and ungroomed facial hair, and give you the best love ever, just because its a Tuesday or she felt like it. She'll make you things to eat even though she's not your servant, and will wash your clothes perfectly just like your mother used to do, whom you also took for granted. When you go off your rocker she'll comfort you with a simple hand on your arm, and when you happen to cry because your team lost, she'll make it up to you though it was never her fault.
She'll buy you clothes that compliment your every feature, so you can go and seduce other women with them on. And when you bought her that cheap little teddy, she swore it was the best gift that she ever got. She'll get dressed up to resemble a doll, so you can cancel your plans at the last minute. And though you swore that she was the one, you haven't done a damn thing to keep her.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Monday, September 28, 2009
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
In the below blog, you will read a common phrase, spoken by both men and women, and you will then see the translation of the phrase, from a man's and a woman's point of view. Enjoy!
"I need time to think"
Guys mean: I'm gonna go jack off.
Girls mean: I'm gonna go tell all my friends what an idiot you are and how much I love you.
"I'm busy"
Guy: I'm having too much fun having farting contests with my friends to want to see you.
Girl: I need to shower, shave, wax, pluck, and otherwise work on my hair and face for hours. I can't possibly see you in this condition.
"Why did you cheat?" (to another man)
Guy: Why did you get caught?
Girl: Why would you wrong the person who means the most to you in this entire world??? *cries*
"What did you do today?"
Guy: Can you make some noises with your mouth while I watch tv and pretend to care? K thanks.
Girl: Who did you do today?
"I hate you"
Guy: I hate you.
Girl: I will now proceed to act bitchy for a week, at the end of which I won't even remember why I'm doing it anymore.
"So how about we go get some coffee?"
Guy: Hopefully I can lay you later.
Girl: Hopefully we can get married, I already have children's names picked out.
"I thought last night was fun"
Guy: You have bigger boobs than the last girl I slept with. And hopefully you will sleep with me soon.
Girl: I wish I'd gone to my waxing appointment instead.. it would have been less painful.
"It was so nice to meet your friends!"
Guy: Wow, those people were annoying.
Girl: Wow, those people were annoying.
"So how have things been since the last time I saw you?"
Guy: Damn, your jugs got bigger.
Girl: I hope you have a girlfriend, so you won't ask me out like you did last time. It's still a no.
"I'm not looking for anything too serious"
Guy: You're not hot enough for me to get caught cheating with.
Girl: You're too whiny and needy and honestly, I feel like I'm dating a girl.
"One day I hope to settle down"
Guy: But not with you.
Girl: I already know what our great-grandchildren are gonna be named.
"I love you"
Guy: I love your boobs.
Girl: So when are we gonna get married?
"It's not you it's me"
Guy: It's you.
Girl: It's you.
"Im in a rough time of my life right now"
Guy: I'm not interested, get lost.
...Lets face it, girls don't say this... we actually have the balls to tell the truth =]
"Babe, I might be a little late"
Guy: She's unzipping my pants with her teeth as we speak.
Girl: I can't figure out what to wear, see you in 5 hours.
"I think we should see other people"
Guy: I'm already seeing other people.
Girl: I don't wanna see other people, I just don't wanna see you.
"You look nice"
Guy: I can almost see your nipples through that shirt.
Girl: You finally put on a clean shirt.
"What do you want for your birthday"
Guy: Damn I can't believe I have to buy you shit again.
Girl: I just wanna know if you can guess what I already bought you. If you're wrong I will be upset and you won't know why.
"I need time to think"
Guys mean: I'm gonna go jack off.
Girls mean: I'm gonna go tell all my friends what an idiot you are and how much I love you.
"I'm busy"
Guy: I'm having too much fun having farting contests with my friends to want to see you.
Girl: I need to shower, shave, wax, pluck, and otherwise work on my hair and face for hours. I can't possibly see you in this condition.
"Why did you cheat?" (to another man)
Guy: Why did you get caught?
Girl: Why would you wrong the person who means the most to you in this entire world??? *cries*
"What did you do today?"
Guy: Can you make some noises with your mouth while I watch tv and pretend to care? K thanks.
Girl: Who did you do today?
"I hate you"
Guy: I hate you.
Girl: I will now proceed to act bitchy for a week, at the end of which I won't even remember why I'm doing it anymore.
"So how about we go get some coffee?"
Guy: Hopefully I can lay you later.
Girl: Hopefully we can get married, I already have children's names picked out.
"I thought last night was fun"
Guy: You have bigger boobs than the last girl I slept with. And hopefully you will sleep with me soon.
Girl: I wish I'd gone to my waxing appointment instead.. it would have been less painful.
"It was so nice to meet your friends!"
Guy: Wow, those people were annoying.
Girl: Wow, those people were annoying.
"So how have things been since the last time I saw you?"
Guy: Damn, your jugs got bigger.
Girl: I hope you have a girlfriend, so you won't ask me out like you did last time. It's still a no.
"I'm not looking for anything too serious"
Guy: You're not hot enough for me to get caught cheating with.
Girl: You're too whiny and needy and honestly, I feel like I'm dating a girl.
"One day I hope to settle down"
Guy: But not with you.
Girl: I already know what our great-grandchildren are gonna be named.
"I love you"
Guy: I love your boobs.
Girl: So when are we gonna get married?
"It's not you it's me"
Guy: It's you.
Girl: It's you.
"Im in a rough time of my life right now"
Guy: I'm not interested, get lost.
...Lets face it, girls don't say this... we actually have the balls to tell the truth =]
"Babe, I might be a little late"
Guy: She's unzipping my pants with her teeth as we speak.
Girl: I can't figure out what to wear, see you in 5 hours.
"I think we should see other people"
Guy: I'm already seeing other people.
Girl: I don't wanna see other people, I just don't wanna see you.
"You look nice"
Guy: I can almost see your nipples through that shirt.
Girl: You finally put on a clean shirt.
"What do you want for your birthday"
Guy: Damn I can't believe I have to buy you shit again.
Girl: I just wanna know if you can guess what I already bought you. If you're wrong I will be upset and you won't know why.
Random Acts of Dumbness
AOL just has the best news stories out there. I swear! They are not only full of shit, but they would probably put a story about my toenail up there if they weren't too busy finding MORE USELESS SHIT.
For example, this was the first title I saw today: “Shocking Claims Made Against Priest”
Listen dickheads. I really think that we are no longer shocked at ANYTHING priests do. It goes on to say: “Stripper Says They Had an Affair, He Fathered Her Child”. Needless to say.. this was my face: -__- THAT’S IT?! Ima let you finish... but I think that other priest that molested a child was the best priest news this year! Yes, that was a Kanye joke. Low blow, I know. Moving on.. this guy didn’t even molest anything. He just did what millions of beaners do every day: unintentionally get a chick pregnant and run away. And the title was so gosh darned exciting, I never got around to reading the article.
In more obvious news: “Eva Longoria’s Pretty and Petite”.
No, this is not a sentence your five year old made up for their homework. It is an actual news title. Now might be a good time to let you know I didn’t actually read ANY of these articles. I mean, what could they possibly have to say about her being pretty and petite that would be worth reading? Article body: “She is also brunette and skinny.” I GET IT OKAY!! WE’RE ALL FAT AND UGLY WAHHH!!
And even less interesting news: “One Girl, Two Very Different Looks”
Boy.. with the articles they write, you’d think there was nothing going on in the world. I mean, it’s not as if we’re in the middle of a depression, war, or have just elected the first black president (woot obama!). Why WOULDN’T the news we read be about a random girl who apparently looks VERY different when she puts extensions into her hair. I LOVE AMERICA!
In more ridiculous news: “Clinton Red-Faced Next to Obama”
UM CLINTON IS A WHITE MAN (borderline redneck), and Obama is a black man (although only half). Did they really expect Clinton to look TAN next to him?! They go on to prove their point with a nice little picture of Clinton’s face peeking out from behind Obama. Which was in fact, a little creepy. And probably what they should have really written about. Or tin foil. Or my toenail.
In more shocking news: “What Disney Is Hiding in Its Hot Dogs”
There is also a subtitle: "People Angry By What's Mixed in Beef"
IS IT SHIT?! IS IT UMM.. WORMS!? THEIR TAXES?? No, it’s um.. CHEAPER MEAT!! OH MY LORDDD HOW WILL WE SURVIVEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Point proven.
There was also an article about a “vampire lamp”
Apparently, this contraption gives you light, so long as you give it blood. Which makes me wonder.. WHAT KIND OF STUPID VAMPIRE GIVES UP BLOOD FOR LIGHT?? Aren’t they actually supposed to hate light? Geez, morons.
And last, my favorite news: “swine flu gets cool new image”
Which consists of a man who believes that rapping can save lives.
“Dressed in his white doctor’s coat and sunglasses, Clarke, 38, raps the basics of flu prevention: Wash your hands, scrub away germs with hand sanitizer, stay home if you’re sick and cover your nose and mouth when you sneeze. Oh, and don’t stick your fingers in your eyes, nose or mouth."
In fact, don’t stick your fingers anywhere the sun don’t shine. Remember, swine flu has killed over 2 Americans. You could be next!
Just what the world needs. Paranoia by way of music. Because Americans are not paranoid enough.
I said the word Americans too many times. I really hate Americans. And by that, I mean myself. But that just sounds emo.
Peace out. Make money not war, and love only yourself. Because no one else will. :-(
For example, this was the first title I saw today: “Shocking Claims Made Against Priest”
Listen dickheads. I really think that we are no longer shocked at ANYTHING priests do. It goes on to say: “Stripper Says They Had an Affair, He Fathered Her Child”. Needless to say.. this was my face: -__- THAT’S IT?! Ima let you finish... but I think that other priest that molested a child was the best priest news this year! Yes, that was a Kanye joke. Low blow, I know. Moving on.. this guy didn’t even molest anything. He just did what millions of beaners do every day: unintentionally get a chick pregnant and run away. And the title was so gosh darned exciting, I never got around to reading the article.
In more obvious news: “Eva Longoria’s Pretty and Petite”.
No, this is not a sentence your five year old made up for their homework. It is an actual news title. Now might be a good time to let you know I didn’t actually read ANY of these articles. I mean, what could they possibly have to say about her being pretty and petite that would be worth reading? Article body: “She is also brunette and skinny.” I GET IT OKAY!! WE’RE ALL FAT AND UGLY WAHHH!!
And even less interesting news: “One Girl, Two Very Different Looks”
Boy.. with the articles they write, you’d think there was nothing going on in the world. I mean, it’s not as if we’re in the middle of a depression, war, or have just elected the first black president (woot obama!). Why WOULDN’T the news we read be about a random girl who apparently looks VERY different when she puts extensions into her hair. I LOVE AMERICA!
In more ridiculous news: “Clinton Red-Faced Next to Obama”
UM CLINTON IS A WHITE MAN (borderline redneck), and Obama is a black man (although only half). Did they really expect Clinton to look TAN next to him?! They go on to prove their point with a nice little picture of Clinton’s face peeking out from behind Obama. Which was in fact, a little creepy. And probably what they should have really written about. Or tin foil. Or my toenail.
In more shocking news: “What Disney Is Hiding in Its Hot Dogs”
There is also a subtitle: "People Angry By What's Mixed in Beef"
IS IT SHIT?! IS IT UMM.. WORMS!? THEIR TAXES?? No, it’s um.. CHEAPER MEAT!! OH MY LORDDD HOW WILL WE SURVIVEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Point proven.
There was also an article about a “vampire lamp”
Apparently, this contraption gives you light, so long as you give it blood. Which makes me wonder.. WHAT KIND OF STUPID VAMPIRE GIVES UP BLOOD FOR LIGHT?? Aren’t they actually supposed to hate light? Geez, morons.
And last, my favorite news: “swine flu gets cool new image”
Which consists of a man who believes that rapping can save lives.
“Dressed in his white doctor’s coat and sunglasses, Clarke, 38, raps the basics of flu prevention: Wash your hands, scrub away germs with hand sanitizer, stay home if you’re sick and cover your nose and mouth when you sneeze. Oh, and don’t stick your fingers in your eyes, nose or mouth."
In fact, don’t stick your fingers anywhere the sun don’t shine. Remember, swine flu has killed over 2 Americans. You could be next!
Just what the world needs. Paranoia by way of music. Because Americans are not paranoid enough.
I said the word Americans too many times. I really hate Americans. And by that, I mean myself. But that just sounds emo.
Peace out. Make money not war, and love only yourself. Because no one else will. :-(
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